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Journals

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Welcome to Hamilton 2013

March 31, 2009   

The 2013 acceptance letters got sent out Friday night, which means that 400 or so freshly accepted freshmen are now groping around these blogs for information, much as newborns blindly grope for their mother’s nourishing teat. This may have been the pinnacle acceptance for you, as it was for me

NO I DIDN’T WANT TO GET INTO BROWN

and you may be wondering how to cope with the flood of emotions that comes with this fantastic achievement. Well, let me tell you the strategy I followed:

STEP 1: GLOAT

You can learn a lot about a person by the way he or she handles success. For example, my friends soon learned HOW MUCH FREAKING BETTER MY COLLEGE WAS THAN THEIRS. “Hey, I got into Hamilton College! It’s like number twenty on U.S. News & World Report’s college rankings. Where did you get into college? Oh what’s that, you got into University of Georgia? Where’s that on the rankings? Oh! It’s not even on the rankings! Well…um… good luck with that. Woo college! 

STEP 2: STOP WORKING

Two words baby: you’re in. You have been accepted into college and are in the tail end of your high school career. You have achieved the academic equivalent of invulnerability. There nothing at this point short of absolute catastrophe that can derail your career. But more importantly, no amount of work in high school will lead to a different success outcome at this point. In other words, your eternal wish to never do work has finally dovetailed with reality. In case I haven’t driven this point home enough – Jesus doesn’t want you to do anymore work in high school. So contract senioritis. And I’m not talking about “oh I won’t freak out about this final too much” senioritis. I’m talking about heart-stopping, vein-exploding gangrenous, drooling-on-your-final-exam-while-comatose senioritis.

Now I know every one of your high school teachers is standing on their desks and screaming at you that colleges will revoke their acceptance if you stop working. This is a patent falsehood, and they are blasting you with it in the hopes you’ll be too scared to call their bluff. Here is the truth: about five admissions officers sitting in Hamilton’s basement spent six months sorting through 5000 applications in a desperate attempt to find the 400 best students. The mere thought of revising their work makes them vomit. They have accomplished their Herculean task and are now partying incessantly. You should too!

Disclaimer: the aforementioned stance on senioritis neither reflects the position of the college nor is in any way endorsed. The college does strongly encourage gloating. TC