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Thomas Coppola Photograph

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You Know How You Sometimes Say, "Please God Cancel This Paper?"

April 30, 2009   In Vertebrate Physiology we have these lab reports. They are academic iron maidens. There is nothing, literally nothing about them that is easy. They are 7-10 pages long. They require statistical analysis and graph construction. They are so research intensive that it takes me two hours just to make the bibliography. And worst of all, for ADHD me, their formats are nauseatingly punctilious. If you deviate from them by even a single atom, God save you, “you forgot to put the period after the al of et al.F

On Tuesday, I sat down in the library to start the anti-diuretic hormone (ADH) lab, where we write about the results of watching rats pee (or fail to pee). It was going be a twenty-four hour ordeal. As I was getting ready to strangle my soul to increase productivity, an email came from Professor Gapp, the teacher / Inquisitor of the class:

“Given the very sucky nature of the ADH lab data (no fault of your own), I've decided out of the goodness of my heart and grading fatigue to forgo having you submit a lab report on the ADH data.”

What? For some reason I can’t process that. Let’s rearrange it for clarity:

“I’ve decided…to forgo having you submit…the…sucky…ADH lab.”

I’m sorry...I still don’t understand…my nose is bleeding…

“Come home Thomas, come home my child”

AND SO IT WAS THE TWENTY-EIGHTH DAY OF THE FOURTH MONTH OF THE TWO THOUSAND AND NINTH YEAR OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST, TOM COPPOLA’S LAB REPORT WAS CANCELLED THE MOMENT HE STARTED WORKING ON IT, RAPTURING HIM INTO HEAVEN AND BEATIFYING HIM AS THE PATRON SAINT OF SLACKERS

Today’s Shout-Out! goes to Sash Amarasuriya (2011) because I owe her a Shout-Out! Hi Sash